Codependency

 

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The loss of one electron often  turns an atom from negative to positive.

Five simple rules of  happiness:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

 

Breathe in Faith...

Breathe out Fear...

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Try the Gingerbread Cottage Bed & Breakfast in beautiful Victoria, British Columbia Canada.

Gourmet food, Cute rooms and recovery atmosphere.

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5 Stages of Grief
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

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Depression is often Anger turned inward!

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One Day at a Time

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True addiction recovery lies in the ability to deal with root issues, not simply medicate the symptoms of them."

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You do not have to carry yesterday's hurt and damaged feelings into today.

 A fresh supply of new feelings is yours for the taking!

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"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path!"

Codependency

Divorce Recovery
20 Questions for Codependents
Ways to End Relationships

Codependency Symptoms

Codependency is likely the hardest behavior to describe with definite terms. A typical codependent usually has many positive characteristics and is a "giver" of the first order and displays only the highest and finest qualities of character.

Codependency with alcoholics or other types of addicts is too much for most of us to handle alone.

Who is a codependent?

It is said that about 6% of the North American population has alcoholic tendencies and that each one of those folks affects at least 10 other people. Add to that the other addictions of drugs (street or prescription) food, gambling/sex/crime (and other adrenalin addictions), it becomes obvious that we are all very likely affected and therefore codependent in some way with another person's addictive behavior.

Typical occupations for codependents include nursing, counseling and other helping professions. 

Living with Someone with an Addiction

If you are living with someone with an addiction then this is the right page for you. It is so absurd to think that someone could actually think more of a drink, bet, smoke, snort, needle, crime, or outside sex than they do of you their partner that you begin to doubt your own sanity.

Codependency is an addiction in itself as folks are addicted to the potential in others. A codependent tries to force the potential they think the other person has with all their might!

Also codependents hide many smaller - or perhaps more socially acceptable - addictions of their own, behind a more obvious addiction in their "loved one"

The History of Children of Alcoholics and Addiction

If this is part of the history of children of alcoholics and addiction in your life it is almost predestined that you will become involved with an addict of some description.

Codependency Support Groups

The support group of Al-Anon is the place to find others who have lived through the shame and degradation of having an alcoholic spouse, child, grandparent/child or friend or other relative. Other programs like Narcotics Anonymous and  Gamblers Anonymous have corresponding programs that allow the spouse, relative or friend of the specific addict to learn about how to relate within the addiction cycle

Cycle of Codependency

The cycle of Codependency with alcoholics or any other type of addict requires three main people/groups of people:

  1. The Enablers:
    •  those who allow /excuse/ finance/ bailout the alcoholic/addict.
  2. The Persecutors:
    • those who stir up the pot in order to put the alcoholic/addict on the defense and look for a way out of the pain.
  3. The Victims:
    •  those who wallow in the excuse that someone is abusing/picking on/insulting/not recognizing their good qualities.

Both the alcoholic/addict, the enablers, the persecutors and the victims occupy all these roles at various times and to varying degrees - the fact that all persons switch roles is why this is called - Codependency with alcoholics.

Blame and Denial

Spouses that hide their own addictions behind another's more obvious behaviors are very hard to diagnose and suffer greatly from blame and denial.

  • A Who Dun it? ... a true short story about Blame and Denial
    • I have served with a 12 step program as an outreach coordinator in a mid sized city for 4 years. Part of these duties were to organize and maintain a 24/7 call line for emergency call from the community. One day I received a call to assist a person in trouble with their drinking. When I and another volunteer arrived at the scene there were five very drunk people at a residence. I was unsure as to who had the problem because they all looked in the same problematic condition. So I asked "Who has the problem"? Immediately all four people pointed at the fifth, who upon further discussion was only being used as the scapegoat of the day!
  • Blaming others for any set of consequences usually constitutes Denial.

  • Denial keeps all addicts in their addictions.

A typical way that a person with codependency issues will react in any situation is to blame the addicted person in their life for all their woes, Blaming others for any set of consequences usually constitutes Denial

The Rewards of Codependency

Codependency is usually looked at as an abusive situation and it truly is often extremely abusive. Why then, would someone, especially a spouse or lover, ( a child usually has no options) ever stay in this situation?

Well, a politically correct answer to this question is quite often given. But it has been my experience that the spouse also has addictions of their own that hide very well behind the major addiction of the offending party.

Codependency is primarily a unrecognized addiction to chemicals produced by the codependents own body.

  • The body of a codependent produces adrenaline and endorphins constantly in the moment to moment chaos of their lives.
  •  These are known as 'Fight or Flight' drugs. The constant 'fight or flight' feeling is what makes codependency so predictable.
  •  It is predictable that the codependent will stay in life threatening and abusive situations well beyond reason as they crave their own drugs.
  • In fact, codependents will often behave in ways that actually instigate bad experiences to get a new supply of these drugs.

These fight or flight drugs are produced by the body in both the honeymoon phases and the abusive phases. They are especially produced in high volumes during the life threatening phases. 

Recovery from Codependency Plan Pointers

  • The objective is very clear and achievable - to stop over-reacting for one day at a time.
  • The time frame is also very clear - one 24 hour time period. 
  • The support system is very effective and functional and includes the following therapeutic tools.

Codependency Recovery Tools

  • 12 Step Meetings - Regular attendance at 12 step meetings is the best way for a recovering individual to see first hand how the recovery program works and to benefit from the combined experience of many other recovering individuals.
  • Telephone contact - with another recovering member of your codependency 12 step program between meetings is a great way to avoid the isolation that is common with many codependents.
  • Sponsorship - all members may benefit by utilizing a member with more positive experiences under their belt as a sponsor. Seasoned members become sponsors to share what they have learned in their recovery journey and to keep their recovery.
  • Anonymity - members identities and personal sharings are protected and held in confidence to create a safe place for all to recover. 
  • Service - to other recovering codependents helps recovery goals stay in the forefront. Service is done by taking part in the regular responsibilities workings of the 12 step group. Set up chairs, clean up the room or lead a meeting are a few ways all members may contribute.  
  • 12 Step Literature - is an important part of every members program. Reading the approved literature will assist a recovering individual to learn more about the recovery program and its various workings.
  • Writing and Journaling - will allow a recovering individual to clear up old feelings and maintain a personal recovery plan. 

Codependency toolkit

 

Ignoring Skills

If you are living with or affected by an extreme addict, they can be quite childlike and irrational. In this case you will likely need some ignoring skills to assist you in coping with the attacks. Here are a few examples:

  •  Wow! - a simple statement like "Wow" can diffuse an attack quite nicely without the other person losing their dignity.

  •  Oh Really! - is another way to diffuse an irrational attack "without buying into" anything. 

  •  Yikes! - This is my personal favorite! It seems to work best for me in situations that could become confrontational.

  •  Why do you Ask? - answering an abusive question with a question can often diffuse things without taking on some sort of dredged up guilt an addict is so capable of doing on short notice.

If these do not work well or if you blow it and get into the fracas, it is often good to gain perspective by simply leaving the room for a minute. A short trip to the bathroom may be a good enough break while other situations may require you to protect yourself by leaving the situation for a longer period, particularly if there are previous instances of violence of other abuses.

"This Too Shall Pass"

Remembering this Al Anon based slogan is a wonderful way to add some perspective to an uneasy situation. 

 

 

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Sex Inventory Self Assessment Workbook 2012 Edition

 

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  •  A great tool for Addictions and Relationship Counselors
  •  Use it yourself as part of your Step 4 or to find yourself in a muddled up codependent relationship.

105 Terrific Topics

  • Overweight and Overeating, or eating disorder.
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Dean Brandhagen

Dean Brandhagen has over 34 years of assisting recovering addicts rebuild their lives and families

Print Books are shipped in plain brown envelope.

Ebooks are titled simply as workbook2012.pdf and will be emailed within 24 hours of reciept of Paypal payment.

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Sex Inventory 2008

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When All Else fails use Rule 62.

 

  THIS SITE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE.

The information provided is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your health care professional if you have a specific health concern.

If you are a multiple addict and having trouble getting through the modern diagnosis process to gain an effective recovery, please read through these pages.

 

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